3 Secrets She’s Not Telling You

An Event for Men…

Imagine walking up to the cute girl across the room and asking for her phone number. Imagine going on a date with her and having fun.

Imagine getting laid that night. That’s right, that night.

Now, imagine a deeply satisfying and fulfilling friendship, relationship and sex life with this person. A sex life where you feel magnetized to her, where you get to be the man, where the turn on feels effortless and you don’t have to do anything special to get it from her.

This could be you. I call it being the man you are meant to be: strong, stable, and loving. He knows what he wants and goes after it.

This could be you.

*Do you want more sex?
*Do you want to feel more confident around hot women?
*Do you want to meet more datable women?
*Do you want to be in an amazing relationship?
*Do you think about getting back together with the last girl? Even if she wasn’t that great?
*Are you bored with online dating or found it to be unfulfilling?
*Are you ready to be in a loving relationship that lasts?

Having a sexy woman who treats you well is a few insights away. Don’t waste another minute wondering how to get her or thinking you can’t have her. Knowing these secrets will not only make you feel good, it will also get you results: that relationship you’ve been wanting, the job you were meant to do, the sex life you’ve been craving.

Through personal stories, new perspectives on the classic dating and relationship questions, learn about the games we play and how to give them up.

Begin by taking the first step: join Lindsay Chrisler, for a free evening talk on the 3 top secrets she’s not telling you.

These are the secrets you need to know to get the love, sex, and women you want.

If you’ve ever been confused about what the heck went wrong, or why you aren’t getting what you want in sex and relating … or simply want more out of an already great sex and dating life … well, just get yourself to this event.

Space is limited. RSVP HERE for full details…

If you’re like me, your biggest fear in committing to one person is that your sex life will die and you’ll get bored. I see loving couples everywhere who are best friends but have lost their sexual spark. I think as a culture we accept that sex dies over time. Sex goes from something we want to something we should do, and with that shift comes the rationalization that we don’t really need sex; it’s good enough that we love our partner.

What if we didn’t have to settle for good enough?

I agree with author Esther Perel that in order to keep relationships hot and fresh, we need distance and obstacles. For some, that might mean simply not sharing an e-mail account; for others, it may take sharing their wildest fantasies about others or spending a month apart to reignite a stagnant sex life. The possibilities are endless.

Start by asking yourself what turns your partner on. Take the time to learn all of the little things that put a little pep in their step. Does he go wild when you wear a certain perfume? Does she get revved up when you wear a jacket and tie? Then focus on what turns you on. Share. The conversation alone will create heat, whether you’re just out of the honeymoon phase or have been married for decades.

Step two is to create a little distance. It’s a game in which you both get to make the rules. Be creative. Spend time separately with friends, get ready for a date at separate times so you’re not sharing a bathroom, spend a night at home in your sexiest outfit without touching your partner. Feel the sexual tension rise.

Keeping a relationship hot takes communication and practice, just like keeping the finances clear or dividing chores. Do the work. Even still, my boyfriend has to remind me to not make sex a lower and lower priority. Ladies, you might not need sex, but having it will make you nicer, happier, and feel more alive in your body. A different kind of alive than eating right and going to the gym alone can provide. You get to feel like a woman. A desired, sensational, turned-on woman. This will make the man in your life happy and excited to do all the things you look for: pay attention to you, want you, and provide for you.

Keep your friendship and cuddling and the occasional cozy night on the couch in pajamas. But don’t settle for a stagnant sex life. Build the spark and keep stoking the fire. Desiring each other will feel good from head to toe. It’s worth the effort.

Last night, I went to Daniel Packard’s interactive, one-man Live Group Sex Therapy Show. Based in part on Daniel’s personal story, the show is a social commentary on love, sex, and how men and women relate. It’s irreverent, insightful (and don’t worry, Mom, there is no actual group sex; that’s just the spicy title), and the audience’s participation ensures that every show is unpredictable and wildly entertaining. Last night’s show ended with a standing ovation, which surprised me if only because the truth bombs Daniel drops, especially those aimed at the ladies, aren’t necessarily the easiest to hear. Even though I’m plenty self-aware and work with men and women on relationship issues, I still squirm in my seat when Daniel fires away at women playing out the princess role. From the back of the house, I watch light bulbs go off all over the room and feel the discomfort in the room rise. Partly because he offers his vulnerability and partly because he’s funny as hell, Daniel seamlessly jumps from calling women out on their bullshit (not an easy task) to lovingly inspiring them to be the queens that men need them to be.

We went out afterward to celebrate and I sat across from a beautiful 20- year old Norwegian woman who promptly asked me whether I was a princess. A few weeks ago I may have defended myself, but after seeing the show many times since then I’ve come to terms with the answer, and last night I simply responded, “Yes, yes I am.” When I asked her the same question, she smiled and nodded and said, “I think we all are a little bit.” That is true. Hell, even Daniel admits to the audience his own princess tendencies. But the more important question—the one I didn’t ask last night but pose to you now—is whether being a princess is getting you what you want or is just an example of getting in your own way. Is being a princess stopping you from having the relationship and the life you want, from being the woman you are meant to be? If so, it’s time you joined me on a princess detox.

First, let’s look at what makes a princess and what makes a queen. A princess has the attitude that she deserves it—a perfect first date, a sugar daddy, a boyfriend who can read her mind, perfect weather for that perfect spring wedding, a hot sex life, a sexy body, a raise, a baby, new shoes that she wants but can’t afford. That the world somehow owes it to her. On the other hand, a queen doesn’t just think that she deserves it; she knows it. And not because the world owes it to her, but because she’s put in the work and earned what she wants.

Princesses wait, queens lead.

Princesses expect everything to work out; queens make sure that they do.

Princesses avoid, queens confront.

Princesses complain, queens give feedback.

Princesses demand what they want, queens magnetize what they want.

Princesses look good, queens feel good.

Which do you want to be?

My guess is that deep down we would all rather be queens. So why are there not more queens walking around? Why all the princesses? Because becoming a queen requires work—the kind that’s uncomfortable and easy to avoid. And to boot, being a princess often works in the short run and  gets a woman far enough to convince herself that she’s getting what she wants. Princesses are liked, charming, and revered in popular culture (“Bridezillas,” anyone? “My Super Sweet 16”?). On the other hand, growing into a queen requires looking at yourself and your behavior, especially the not-so-attractive parts, the parts behind the mask that you don’t want everyone else to see. The princess detox, then, is like any other detox: you feel awful before you feel better because you have to find and stare at all the toxic sludge in your personality before you can let it go.

Unfortunately, the growth from princess to queen often stems from the fallout of a major wake-up call: you get fired or dumped, your parents or man cut you off financially, you have a falling out with a friend, you get sick. Even then, it’s easier to get defensive and blame someone else than to take responsibility for inviting the wake-up call and using it for your own growth.

For me it took moving to New York and being in a new relationship to truly wake me up to my final princess traits that need to go. I’m now taking responsibility for every part of my life – my finances, my body, my friendships, my clients, the quality of my relationship and sex life, my avoidance tactics, my cuteness deflection moves, and mostly my belief that I am special and therefore life will just kind of like you know, work out. Responsibility is action, looking at my reality and not just my vision, showing up where and when I say I’m going to. And it means if I miss the mark, I apologize and make changes instead of avoiding or getting defensive. I am speaking my desires and letting them unfold instead of expecting instant gratification. And as a result, slowly but surely I am starting to feel more grounded, clearer, and more deserving of a crown instead of a tiara.

A queen knows who she is and leads by example to make the necessary change in the world. That is what I’ve set out to be and what my work with women will focus on from here on out. Yes, if you work with me you will learn how to love yourself, how to have romance and a long-lasting relationship, and how to have the best sex of your life – to love your body, yourself, and your life from the inside out. But before you can have all that, you have to let go of the traits, the beliefs, and the princess who is not serving you any longer.

Don’t wait for a major life event to jolt you into action. Start your detox right away. Get a pen and some paper and sit your butt down. Don’t get up until you’ve finished.

1. When it comes to men and your relationships, what do you complain about? What are you irritated by, resentful about, and/or mad about?
2. How are you responsible for those things? How do you contribute to the problem?
3. What are you going to do to change these things?

Welcome to your court.

This is my first go at VIDEO blogging and I wanted to give it a try to push myself to do something new and also because my experience yesterday in Sunday church was alive and vibrant and I thought talking about it might be a fun new way to get the message across.

Today’s post fresh from this morning in Central Park: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-c1Kr3G9pI

This week it’s all about appreciating how far you’ve come and who you are before moving forward. Stop trippin and start appreciating. No one owes you anything. You don’t have a right to anything going the way you think it should go. This goes for the dating and relationship world especially – you have to earn a good date, a good partner, good sex. Do you know what makes you amazing? Do you appreciate how much you already have? Start doing that and then see how much your dating, relationship, and sex life improves.

There will be more videos and articles to come so email me what you’d like help with, your saucy questions about your love life, anything you’re curious about! email me

What’s the worst that can happen when you take a risk? You make a horrible mistake and are granted the opportunity to learn and grow from it. Not too bad if you make the most of it. What’s the best that can happen? You find what you want and the inspiration to dream even bigger grows. Pretty darn good.

At every crossroads, at every point where you must make a choice, you can follow the path of what you want. Or…you can amble down the road of what you should want, or worse yet, what you don’t want.

In the abstract, it’s a no-brainer; in practice, it’s not so easy. I’ve been building the muscle of feeling and following my deeper desires for the past three years. I’ve taken courses, been coached, became a coach, worked for a desire-based business, and built a 2-year plus relationship based on researching friendship and following desire. Along the way, I’ve made some messes by following shortsighted and shallow desires, hurting feelings and connections. But I’ve also learned from every one of those uncomfortable situations, trying to love myself in spite of my failings, apologizing and cleaning up damage needlessly caused, and moving forward.

I know that other people must be considered even when following deep desire, and of course, I would never recommend intentionally hurting someone or breaking commitments in the name of following desire. Yet, I also believe that in the end you will answer only to yourself, and it’s necessary to take some risks, learn from your successes and failures, and always keep moving forward.

It’s a thin line, to be sure. If you’d asked me a month ago what I’d be doing today, and where, I never would have pictured myself writing in Central Park, away from my comfort zone and most of the people I love. But by taking a step back and realizing that it is my life, I realize that it’s got everything I asked for: adventure, depth, love, laughter, purpose, and success on the horizon.

I wish I could say that this is exactly how I planned it, but it’s not. I took a leap, and the muscle I’ve been building these last few years has gotten strong enough to help me nail the landing. And even still, I’m human and fear and wanting control over everything still creeps in, slyly trying to dissipate my desire and vitality.

Take Saturday. Two days into my life in New York, I nearly passed on an invitation to meet his dear friend. “I really need to get my life organized right now. Plus, I just repainted my nails and they need to dry,” I said. He made it clear he wasn’t buying it but wasn’t going to push. And then I realized that I was holding on to the comfort of some old habits; that “getting my life organized” really meant slogging through my inbox, diddling around on Facebook, and tossing in a little calendar management so I could say I was productive with a straight face. And just before he left, my desire won and I decided to join him.

And I am thankful I did. The afternoon was magical. I experienced the sounds of beautiful teenage voices wafting through the sticky midday air amid the Harlem traffic. I melted into the stately trees giving us shade, the old brownstones, and the cute old couple swaying to the music on the sidewalk. One boy started to rap about following your dreams no matter what. You know those moments when you feel like God planned everything just for you? This was one of those. I thought to myself if this 13 year old is going to follow his calling, I’m going to as well.

On our way back to his apartment, his friend gave me a glance in the rear-view mirror and said, “Lindsay, you moved here! You’re crazy! You’re part of the family, girl! This means there truly is hope for the world. There are so many opportunities for all of us. Life is this open. You just have to step into it.” So much sass and love much like the rest of this city.

Later, I gave him permission to remind me of that day if I ever said I needed to get my life organized instead of heading off on an adventure. I give you the same license and hope that you offer it to those close to you.

Take baby steps toward your desire. Do the work to discover what makes you feel alive and what desire never actually belonged to you, but rather the idea of who you thought you were supposed to be. Develop a deep friendship with your intuition to get you through the weirdest, darkest, and most exciting opportunities of your life. Take a risk, big or small. And as always, let me know how it goes.

Whether you are on a first date or you have been married for twenty years, never stop asking yourself, “What do you want?” 

I know it’s not the easiest question to answer all the time but it’s the only one that matters, so start practicing. Do it right now. Close your eyes and ask yourself what you want. It could be anything from what you want to eat to your biggest career dreams to what you want to do with that cute waiter from the other day. Great. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Not so fast, though. The tricky part is when what you want affects or includes another person. Most of us have gotten really good at managing our desire, manipulating it so it looks and sounds good, justifying it, rationalizing it, and figuring out the best way to approach it without making waves.

Desire is vulnerable. No wonder we try to dress it up, change it, ignore it. We fear judgment, we fear rejection, we fear disappointment. Sometimes the risk just doesn’t seem worth it.

The good news and the bad news is that what you want never goes away. 

You might change the way you feel about it, it may get overshadowed by another desire, or you might ignore it, but the raw desire at the instant it first hit you, never goes anywhere.

Ever been on a first date and not revealed what you actually want because you’re afraid you’ll seem strange, pushy, needy, bossy? You barely know this person, and you’re sure as hell not going to tell them how you’re dying to have really amazing sex or you’d rather be watching Mad Men than having this safe *yawn* first date conversation.

It’s the same story when you’re in a relationship. How often do you not *gulp* say what you want because you’re afraid the other person will flip out? Or thought, if you really love this person, why would you tell them about wanting a completely new kind of sex life or how you’d rather spend the weekend alone than with their parents? Exposing what you want is scary. We’ve been shut down and disappointed in the past so we’ve learned to hide our desire to keep things comfortable and keep ourselves likable.

I’m not saying that you have to go after every single thing that you want like a crazed animal. I’m not even saying that you have to reveal your desires to everyone. I am saying that your desires are yours and they’re valuable so treat them well, acknowledge them, listen to them as much as you can. What you want in one moment will inform you about who you are in the next and slowly but surely you will build the muscle of knowing what you want, then working to have what you want, then having what you want. Your desires will grow. You will inspire and surprise yourself. You’ll go on dates and you won’t have to pretend or you’ll be in a relationship and won’t have to lie. You’ll know who you are and you’ll know where you want to go.

The first step to working with your desire is to figure out what you actually want. 

You don’t have to do anything about your desires right away so don’t worry about what they are, how you could possibly have them, or what other people will think about them. Just start listening to yourself. Ask yourself what you want as much as possible. Put a reminder in your phone, write yourself a post it, tell a friend to text you “what do you want?” every day for a week. Want to share them with someone? Email them to me unedited.

Desire is not the easiest thing to navigate. There are consequences, reactions, and risks. But when all is said and done and you are looking back on your life, you will not like yourself if you didn’t listen to your desire. You can start small and start slow, but no matter what, start.