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I know it’s not the easiest question to answer all the time but it’s the only one that matters, so start practicing. Do it right now. Close your eyes and ask yourself what you want. It could be anything from what you want to eat to your biggest career dreams to what you want to do with that cute waiter from the other day. Great. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Not so fast, though. The tricky part is when what you want affects or includes another person. Most of us have gotten really good at managing our desire, manipulating it so it looks and sounds good, justifying it, rationalizing it, and figuring out the best way to approach it without making waves.
Desire is vulnerable. No wonder we try to dress it up, change it, ignore it. We fear judgment, we fear rejection, we fear disappointment. Sometimes the risk just doesn’t seem worth it.
The good news and the bad news is that what you want never goes away.
You might change the way you feel about it, it may get overshadowed by another desire, or you might ignore it, but the raw desire at the instant it first hit you, never goes anywhere.
Ever been on a first date and not revealed what you actually want because you’re afraid you’ll seem strange, pushy, needy, bossy? You barely know this person, and you’re sure as hell not going to tell them how you’re dying to have really amazing sex or you’d rather be watching Mad Men than having this safe *yawn* first date conversation.
It’s the same story when you’re in a relationship. How often do you not *gulp* say what you want because you’re afraid the other person will flip out? Or thought, if you really love this person, why would you tell them about wanting a completely new kind of sex life or how you’d rather spend the weekend alone than with their parents? Exposing what you want is scary. We’ve been shut down and disappointed in the past so we’ve learned to hide our desire to keep things comfortable and keep ourselves likable.
I’m not saying that you have to go after every single thing that you want like a crazed animal. I’m not even saying that you have to reveal your desires to everyone. I am saying that your desires are yours and they’re valuable so treat them well, acknowledge them, listen to them as much as you can. What you want in one moment will inform you about who you are in the next and slowly but surely you will build the muscle of knowing what you want, then working to have what you want, then having what you want. Your desires will grow. You will inspire and surprise yourself. You’ll go on dates and you won’t have to pretend or you’ll be in a relationship and won’t have to lie. You’ll know who you are and you’ll know where you want to go.
The first step to working with your desire is to figure out what you actually want.
You don’t have to do anything about your desires right away so don’t worry about what they are, how you could possibly have them, or what other people will think about them. Just start listening to yourself. Ask yourself what you want as much as possible. Put a reminder in your phone, write yourself a post it, tell a friend to text you “what do you want?” every day for a week. Want to share them with someone? Email them to me unedited.
First, we talk about how she wants the power, drive, confidence, and inspiration to attack her daily to-do’s alongside accomplishing her moneymaking and purpose-filled dreams, the dreams she’s been working towards all her life. She wants to wake up happy and ready to go. She wants to change the world and make money. She wants to create and make a difference. Great!
Then, I ask her, “What else do you want?” She gets quiet, a bit shy, and then our eyes meet and I know what she’s going to say. She wants a man. She wants someone to celebrate all these future accomplishments with. She wants someone to cuddle with. She wants someone to take to her new meditation class as well as thanksgiving dinner. And she doesn’t want any man, she wants a great man. She describes him in detail. Our eyes meet again, we smile, we breathe a little easier. She wants it all and now she’s admitted it.
You are allowed to want it all but you have to be willing to do the work to get it.
So, if these women are turned-on and clear about what they want, what’s stopping them from having the relationship they want? A woman like this usually fears 2 scenarios:
These women fear wasting time. They fear settling. They fear losing their independence. But they also fear…I’m just going to say it…dying alone. Essentially, they are on a fear seesaw ride that makes them caaarrrrazzzzzy. Plus that f-ing clock is ticking! That’s why they come to me. They don’t want to waste any more time.
Let the work begin! So how in the heck do you get off the seesaw and start walking toward having it all?
This is where you start. Once you know the convincing excuses and old beliefs that are stopping you, the fireworks will be right around the corner.