Keeping It Hot

If you’re like me, your biggest fear in committing to one person is that your sex life will die and you’ll get bored. I see loving couples everywhere who are best friends but have lost their sexual spark. I think as a culture we accept that sex dies over time. Sex goes from something we want to something we should do, and with that shift comes the rationalization that we don’t really need sex; it’s good enough that we love our partner.

What if we didn’t have to settle for good enough?

I agree with author Esther Perel that in order to keep relationships hot and fresh, we need distance and obstacles. For some, that might mean simply not sharing an e-mail account; for others, it may take sharing their wildest fantasies about others or spending a month apart to reignite a stagnant sex life. The possibilities are endless.

Start by asking yourself what turns your partner on. Take the time to learn all of the little things that put a little pep in their step. Does he go wild when you wear a certain perfume? Does she get revved up when you wear a jacket and tie? Then focus on what turns you on. Share. The conversation alone will create heat, whether you’re just out of the honeymoon phase or have been married for decades.

Step two is to create a little distance. It’s a game in which you both get to make the rules. Be creative. Spend time separately with friends, get ready for a date at separate times so you’re not sharing a bathroom, spend a night at home in your sexiest outfit without touching your partner. Feel the sexual tension rise.

Keeping a relationship hot takes communication and practice, just like keeping the finances clear or dividing chores. Do the work. Even still, my boyfriend has to remind me to not make sex a lower and lower priority. Ladies, you might not need sex, but having it will make you nicer, happier, and feel more alive in your body. A different kind of alive than eating right and going to the gym alone can provide. You get to feel like a woman. A desired, sensational, turned-on woman. This will make the man in your life happy and excited to do all the things you look for: pay attention to you, want you, and provide for you.

Keep your friendship and cuddling and the occasional cozy night on the couch in pajamas. But don’t settle for a stagnant sex life. Build the spark and keep stoking the fire. Desiring each other will feel good from head to toe. It’s worth the effort.


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