There are a thousand subjects I could post on today. I have all sorts of thoughts on relationships, breakups, “The One.” My mentor, Nicole Daedone, always says, “In relationships, you find out who the other person is when you break up, not when you’re together.” In the past few weeks, I have found this out first hand. A week ago, my partner and I broke up. When you go through a breakup, you experience epiphanies and discover things about yourself every day. It’s a roller coaster. The relationship still feels raw so I won’t write much else about him or our thing today. However, I do want to write about who I am discovering myself to be.
Let’s start with the first discovery. Here are the past three weeks in a nutshell: I went out for a drink with a guy and felt instant chemistry, he went back to New York, I tried to ignore the connection because on paper it was all wrong, I waited until I couldn’t ignore it any longer, he bought me a ticket to LaGuardia to visit him for a week, my partner broke up with me because I didn’t want to keep the agreements of our relationship any longer, I quit my job, I decided I wanted to write a book, I decided to move to New York indefinitely, and I let myself fall in love despite a host of fears and judgment from people I care about.
I have never seen so many eyebrows raised as there have been in response to my current story and decisions. This could feed my own fears. This could stop me. But no.
Instead, I’ve said, “Yes, I know, I’m nuts. This move is sudden. But I’ve gotten myself this far and I know that at the end of the day, if I don’t follow my intuition, my heart, my body – I won’t like myself.” So, yes I’m completely crazy and it’s also perfect. I feel thrilled but not out of control, I feel alive but not manic, I feel like I’m challenging myself but not about to collapse and die. I’m not saying I’m not nervous or scared. I am. But I’m not letting those voices decide my life for me. I’m letting my desire guide. I have a vision for my life, a natural state of turn-on that I feel at home in, and it is time for me to stand in it’s fire, even when it gets uncomfortably hot.
I’ve been on the brink of making the second discovery for years, but only in the last few weeks has a new level of self-love emerged and integrated itself into my body. A knowing. A feeling that by listening to and following my desire, I am being my own best friend. There’s self-love that you can try on with a daily affirmation and then there’s deep self-love that comes from making decisions that increase your self-esteem. My coach, Jason McClain, always reminds me that each decision you make either raises or lowers your self-esteem. Despite all the, “Wait?! You’re doing what?!?” reactions, I’m on the up and up with the only person I ultimately answer to: myself.
Extra points for anything that makes your heart race, that would turn heads, or that doesn’t make sense in your brain but makes a lot of sense in your heart. You don’t have to do anything today or this month for that matter, but start to look at what you want to do that scares you. Consider the question for 2 minutes and see what you come up with.
If you do feel ready to make a change in your life but you’re scared, consider this: What’s the worst that could happen? You make a mistake and you learn from it. What if you looked at life as a chance to explore your heart’s desires while giving yourself permission to make and learn from mistakes, rather than taking a fine-toothed comb full of fear and doubt over them?